Hilarious

OK, you have to read this stuff.

And don't just read the first one. Read everything.

I about pooped my pants laughing so hard.

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

http://fatherknowsshit.blogspot.com/

Nothing else to update at this point.

I know...boring.

Travel

Today I went to France. Or as the German's call it...South Germany. Went to Strasbourg. Will probably go again tomorrow. Cool town.

Me need sleepy

I'm working the nightshift here so I typically sleep from a bit after 9 AM until about 3-4 PM. There are signs all over our dorm that lots of people work the nightshift and to be quiet.

So Tuesday I'm in a DEAD sleep and there is a LOUD pounding on my door. Like a "Satan is beating down the door so he and his demons can gang-rape whoever is inside" knocking on the door. I get up in a daze. Just a note: When I get up out of a deep, dead sleep, I'm functionally worthless. And grumpy as hell about it.

I make my way over to the door, probably looking like some drunk staggering home from the bar. All I needed to do was piss down my own leg and I'd look like a certain MSgt in our unit (remind me to tell that story sometime). Before I open the door, I check the shorts to make sure I'm not looking like Ron Burgandy. "Good, he's still asleep" I think to myself.

I open the door and it's two females in uniform. One a TSgt and the other isn't wearing her BDU blouse so I don't know her rank. It's the worthless NCOs in charge of our barracks. I stand there looking like Hell warmed over and the unranked one says "We're looking for a transformer that belongs to the dorm. So we're checking rooms for them." (you know they're on a different voltage electical system here so we use those stupid things so our electronics can work.)

I stood there and stared at her for ten seconds without saying a word. That may not sound like a long time but sit where you are and count ten seconds off and you'll see it's a long time to stare at someone without saying anything. And she got the stare that Kevin knows well from when Satan's lapdog spit in my face.

3 things were going through my mind:

1. THIS is why you've woken me by banging on my door like you were the FBI looking for Elian Gonzalez?

2. This couldn't wait until later in the day?

3. Where is my Leatherman so I can stab this Minion of the Devil in the neck?

So I grabbed her by the hair like the brothers in Boondock Saints grabbed Rocco at the hotel after the hit. I rammed her head into my TV and asked "I don't know. Do you see it in there? No? Let's look over here!" I then took her and threw her across the room against the wall lockers. I stuck her head in the lockers and slammed the doors on her skull while asking "How about in there? Do you see it?"

Well, that was what the still-dreaming part of my mind was doing. I actually turned around, without saying a word, and let her in. I pointed at the two transformers I'd bought. "Those are mine. I bought them."

She looks around a bit like I have a secret stash of crappy, stolen transformers. "Nope, not in here." Yeah, thanks you piece of crap. I shut the door behind her and sat down.

After gaining my senses, I went out in the hallway to walk down the hall to the bathroom. She's standing there holding this old, crappy transformer. The same one that's been sitting the f'ing dayroom since before I got here. I look at her and say "You found it. That's been sitting in the dayroom since the Battle of the Bulge."

"Yeah, we found it," she said cheerfully. So I dropped my shorts there and took a dump on her boots, pushing hard to ensure I didn't short her anything. Actually, that was the dreaming part of my mind again.

"Guess I'm not totally awake yet, I thought."

So I stared at her for another 10 seconds. "Oh, it never occurred to you to check the DAMN COMMON AREAS BEFORE YOU START KICKING IN F'ING DOORS LIKE THE SS REBORN?" I thought.

I gave up and walked down to the restroom. She could take my sleep away but not that.