I love kids

I like kids. Not to the point where I want any of my own right now but they are cool. Most are fun, smarter than we might give them credit for (they then become dumber as teenagers) and sweet.

When I’m at the store, standing in line behind a mother and/or father and the child, I’ll make faces or try to do stuff that makes them laugh. I enjoy it and they do, too.

But I got to thinking about all of the “training” I got as a small child about how we aren’t supposed to talk to strangers. I also realized there are a lot of freaks and criminals out there who prey on children and get the children comfortable around them by doing just what I do. So, I could actually be putting these children at risk, by making them think all strangers are good, especially the fun ones.

So I’ve decided to stop doing this and figure I’ll be doing them and their families a public service by doing the exact opposite. I want them to fear and be suspicious of strangers. Some ideas:

-If the kid is close by, lean forward and scream loudly in his face.

-Take items off the shelf and throw them at the kids.

-Punch the child’s parent in the face. But this only works if you know you can handle a fight with that parent. If the parent looks like Marcellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction, I’d just ignore them instead.

-Stick your finger down your throat and puke. If any of it gets on the child, bonus.

-Wear a t-shirt showing a kid getting hit w/ a baseball bat.

-Let the child see you stealing things.

-Spit.

-Glare at the kid and mouth to him “I’m going to kill you.”

-Wear that Burger King outfit.

Give me some of your ideas. I mean, it’s all for the children, right?