The Burger King...

The Burger King writes:

I am shocked and appalled that you would describe my showing up in bed with another guy and handing him one of our delightful new breakfast sandwiches as "creepy."

I would stop by your place to show you how yummy our new sandwiches are....but, since your version of our lovely Burger King phrase "Have it your way" includes my getting wailed on unendingly with a baseball bat until my complete paralysis, I shall bypass your bedroom on my "Wake up with the Burger King and his Delightful Breakfast Sandwiches" World Tour 2k4.

Love always,

The Burger King
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Dear Burger King,

Thank your for your response and for posting it here and not delivering it to my home. A wise choice for your own safety. A few suggestions:

1. If you consider “magically” appearing in a strange man’s bedroom to give him a “delightful new breakfast sandwich” a worthwhile service, then you don’t watch enough beer commercials. The correct way to do it, is to have a bikini-wearing woman in the bed with perfect hair, makeup and body giving him a cheeseburger and a beer. And then she gets up to wash the truck and clean my apartment.

2. The fact that you showed up in a guy’s bed and not a woman’s, makes me wonder about some homo-erotic undertones your corporation is trying to send out. Your evil brain waves will not penetrate my tin foil hat.

3. Is there a Burger Queen? Just curious. We never see or hear about her.

4. If you sent Natalie Portman, Logan Tom or Kerri Walsh in your place, I’d eat whatever disgusting rat-meat sandwich you sent with them. Just send Tabasco sauce with them. Don’t worry, it’d be for the sandwich.

Looking forward to wiping that plastic smile off your face with my baseball bat,

Eric Moyer