Reds Sign New Pitcher

I wrote this 3 years ago while Jim Bowden was GM of the Reds and Bob Boone was manager. These two were so darn full of themselves and the Reds had a history of signing anyone w/ a working arm to pitch for them. So I decided to have some fun with it. Hope you enjoy:

From ESPN:

Today the Reds announced the signing of Harley Parker. Parker will be sent to AAA for a few starts but will be called up soon, Reds GM Jim Bowden reports.

"We felt with Reitsma, Reith, Acevedo and Davis in the rotation, we needed a little bit more experience than Dessens could provide," said Bowden. "

Parker, nicknamed "Doc," last pitched in the majors in 1901. "Don Gullett and I were looking at some old pictures and drawings of him," said manager Bob Boone, "and thought that with a few mechanical changes, we could have something really good here. I've been trying to get Jim to look at this guy for a while. I felt at the beginning of spring training that we might need a player at least 100 years old."

When asked where Parker had been for the past 100 years, Bowden replied, "In a coffin...or Hell. I'm not sure."

When pressed for more specific answers, Bowden explained that a demon seance was held to bring back the spirits of Cy Young and Walter Johnson to pitch for the Reds. "We've had a lot of luck in bringing back pitchers and position players who everyone else has given up on and getting good production out of them," said Bowden, citing Eric Davis, Ron Gant, Pete Schourek, Mark Wholers among others. "But everyone else is starting to mine that same kind of talent. So to stay a step ahead we decided to do something that hadn't been done in a while."

So what happened to Johnson and Young and how did the Reds get Parker instead? An unnamed source reported that upon hearing who was calling, both Johnson and Young asked who they would be playing for. When told it was Bob Boone, they replied "Having accepted Jesus Christ as our savior in our later years, we are under the impression that you can't make us go to hell." Reportedly Bowden then asked them if there were any pitchers there who would be willing to play for Boone and they gave him Parker's name.

After leaving numerous messages with an afterlife answering service, Parker finally called back and plans were set in motion.

Parker's lone major league appearance was a 9 inning complete game, giving
up 21 runs and 26 hits.

When reminded he had signed a dead pitcher with a 21.00 ERA, Bowden replied, "He can go deep into the game for us. And he can pitch as long as he wants. It's not like he's going to need arm surgery anytime soon. And maybe he can teach our young pitchers to tough it out."

"And his nickname is Doc so he must knows something about that medical stuff. It's not like Kremchek can misdiagnose a dead guy."

"Plus, when the young pitchers complain about job security and being pushed too hard, he can just remind them that it is better than being poked in the a** with a trident everyday for eternity."

Rob Bell may disagree, though.