Fatherhood and Violence

Let me add this disclaimer right here. There may be some topics and words in this posting that might be offensive or disgusting. Read at your own risk…

I’ve come to the conclusion that when/if I get married and have kids, if one of them is a daughter, I will be the world’s best or worst dad. I doubt I’ll fall somewhere in-between.

I was at BW3’s last night meeting my friends Joe and Heather. For those of you not familiar w/them, they are popular sports bars in the mid-west. Now, many nights, this is also a popular teeny-bopper hangout.

Here’s where the story starts. Just walking in, I walked past 2 or 3 “girls” about 16 years old displaying their 4 inches of cleavage in all its glory. Yes, that’s a lot of cleavage. I mentioned to Heather that I would never allow my daughter out in the outfits we saw girls wearing. If the outfit is causing ME to look at the chest of a 14-16 year old, she’s showing WAY too much.

Now another, related, story. And this is where it gets violent and gross. I’m in the National Guard and about a year ago, during a drill weekend, we had a similar discussion. A group of us was having lunch at the chow hall. We had a girl in the group named Danielle. She’s a very good looking girl, about 19, who also works hard (which is the exception, not the rule, in my unit). I noticed she had a mark on her neck and asked her about it. She quickly got embarrassed and we knew then that it was a hickey.

That got the discussion going among the guys but not in the way you might think. My immediate reaction, since she lives at home, is what was her family’s reaction. She said her mom saw it and didn’t like it. I asked what her dad thought and she said he didn’t know. Wise move.

So the men at the table started discussing what we would do if our daughter came home w/ a hickey on her neck. My offering was that I would find the boy and beat him to death…but not quickly. A hickey is like marking your territory. No boy is going to mark territory on my daughter until the night she’s walking down that aisle. Now, I’m not naïve but I certainly don’t expect to have someone leave a visible mark on my daughter.

But my plan, initially, was to murder the guy who did it and let word spread around about what I did and WHY I did it. Then, I don’t have to worry about that problem again. There was another guy in our group named Eric who, while pretty balanced, comes up with some pretty gross and violent ideas most of the time. I loved his idea. He said, if you really wanted to hurt someone but wanted to avoid the murder charge, he had a better idea. You kidnap the offending boy, take him out to a shed and beat him. Beat him horribly. You beat him so bad he craps his pants. Then you beat him some more. You beat him enough that when you offer to stop but ONLY if he eats his own poop, he jumps at the opportunity. Then, once again, you let people know what you did and WHY you did it.

This should do an adequate job of helping your daughter avoid those nasty hickeys. Now, it may also means she never dates until her mid-20’s. But that’s also ok. Now, you only do this IF someone punk marks your daughter that way.

Now, I may feel differently when I actually have a daughter. But you know what’s scary? I’ll be even more protective then when I can see and love her, than I am now, when I can only imagine having a daughter.