I got your Bachelor, right here

By popular demand, here it is. It’s a “Tell all” episode where the women dish dirt, I guess, on the guy. Will be interesting since I doubt there’s a decent one among them. Brought to you by a Taco Bell bean burrito, here we go…

09:01 Just watching the opening, I doubt I’ll be watching this show again.

09:03 Introductions. OK, there are girls named Geitan, Danushka, Anitra and Kindle. There’s 6 retarded parents for you. I guess Danushka could be Eastern European, so she gets a pass.

09:04 This guy is…these girls can’t really want to win for him. They just have to want to win for the sake of winning.

09:07 OK, Tara, I don’t know if I can forgive you for this crap. This is awful. Just catty b*tches talking. Blaming others and not themselves. If I wanted to see this, I could have just hung out in the lunch room at work. I can’t get too into this without watching the whole season, I guess. They just all seem the same with different hair color and breast sizes.

09:08 OK, I think the best looking is Anitra but there’s something cute about Kara, I think it is. Of course, she’s the only one who seems to have a personality, too.

09:10 Christine is full of crap. If she were a “secret agent” there is no way they’d have allowed her on the show. Does anyone actually believe her?

I would be an awesome bachelor for this show. These women are shallow and empty, except for, maybe, 2 or 3 that have depth but they are borderline codependent. Cut those two right away to save them the pain and just dump all over the empty bodies that are left. I’d give them so much good footage. Of course, I’d not be picked. I’m not good looking enough and certainly not rich enough.

Driving the winner home from the last show in a Ford Escort doesn’t make for good TV. Wait, maybe it does.

09:15 Talking about some Kimberly gal who seems to want to show her boobs. The other girls don’t seem too happy to see her. OK, the two Canadian broads didn’t get along. Who cares. “It’s not even a real country anyway.” BTW, Jenny looks like Tiffany Amber Thiessan.

09:17 Look, women backstabbing another contestant by going through her personal things and dressing up. Big surprise. BTW, Kimberly is in denial on…about everything.

09:19 OK, talking about Sarah W. Judging from the size of the top of her head, she must be really smart. She’s ok but she’s not *that* good looking. Her head is square.

Now she’s whining about the gals talking about her. Maybe be it’s because she never shuts up.

This gives me an idea for The Contender Season 2. Is anyone else thinking of this? NBC needs to be contacting ABC.

They should put a basket of tools, like screwdrivers and hammers, in the middle of this ring and let nature take its course.

Wow, Danushka is a…well, empty sack of skin and bones.

09:31 Flashback of what Sarah W said after being cut. Nothing groundbreaking.

I can see why this show is a success. Because every woman can see some of herself in these contestants and some of the women they hate in the other women on the Bachelor.

09:34 Ooooh, Anitra just put the smack down on Sarah W. She’s big and tough. I’m surprised Sarah W even showed up.

09:39 Here comes Charlie. He actually has a little more respect from me now having to pick a non-empty soul from this bunch.

Here comes the question from Kimberly. Was she too wild? Guess not.

Now Sarah W. Where was the connection lost? Thinks she was playing an act.

09:41 Bloopers and outtakes. They stunk.

Sarah W is not smiling.

Commercial: I’ll grant a normal show is probably a bit better than this and this probably is better having watched it from the beginning…but that just isn’t going to happen until some woman neuters me and forces me to marry her.

09:47 Guess this is some preview for the next week. Just looking at the ones he didn’t pick and the ones he picked, he’s picked the ones who look more like the marrying type. The others you just date and have fun.

09:50 OK, the blonde just said she likes to be in control. Run Jerry! Take the brunette! Plus, what guy wants a girl who will swear as part of her natural vocabulary on TV?

Which one is Sara and which one is Chrisalee?

09:56 OK, Sarah B is the blonde. Hmm, she sounds pretty normal, except for the whole control thing. Sarah W is whining about Chrisalee.

OK, based on about 60 seconds of seeing the finalists, I take Chrisalee.

I might tape next week’s show if the demand is there. But Tara, you owe me dinner next time I end up in Maryland. Dang.

OK, it’s over. Thank God. I need a shot of testosterone now. Where’s my episode of The Contender?